Amy MacIntosh's World

Airing of My Grievances Regarding Children’s Television

I live with two little people. My son, Tyler (9) and daughter, Emily (nearly 2).  As a result, the televisions in my home are frequently hijacked by these people.  Over the years I’ve developed a list of concerns - grievances if you will - about some of the shows.

Dora the Explorer

If there is a cartoon social services office - they need to be called.  Dora’s parents allow her to travel each day across the Mexican countryside - alone. All while being stalked by a kleptomaniac orange fox named Swiper. Her only supplies are a backpack and a vague map. Poor Dora.

Hanna Montana

Really? She puts on a blonde wig (merely three shades lighter than her real hair) and no one recognizes her. Apparently Malibu’s public schools are failing their students.

Barney

Is a dinosaur from our imagination… or is this is a example of group hallucination? Perhaps they should look for water pollution in the nearby city. 

All Disney Movies

Why does the Mouse hate parents?  Cinderella’s mom - dead. Bambi’s mom - now Venison stew. Snow White - no Mom or Dad. Peter Pan - orphan.  Fox and the Hound - fox’s mother dies.  Lion King’s Uncle kills Father.  Not loving this pattern, I’ve got my eye on you Walt.

Caillou

Sure, he’s just a kid who’s 4, each day he grows some more…  But he’s not growing hair.  Why is he bald?  It’s very concerning.

And finally, Sesame Street.  

Remember Cookie Monster. “C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me”. Not good enough for the Street anymore. Now there is a new song “A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food.”  It’s like I don’t even know you anymore Cookie Monster.

That’s all for now, Sponge Bob is on.

How To Avoid Holding the Flashlight

I despise home improvement projects.  It’s not so much the project as the painfully boring tasks I am left with.  Today, while my hubby was tackling some random basement project I was assigned the usual “Amy” task of holding the flashlight.

Mind you I HATE this task. It seems I am standing still pointing a beam of light for like twelve hours.  OK - I know it isn’t REALLY twelve hours but it feels like it.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, was my day.  After 14 years of marriage things were about to change for me. >insert dramatic music score here< I am quite certain I will never be assigned this task again.

Here was my super evil plan:

Step 1) shake the flashlight and yell “Earthquake!”

Step 2) when hubby gives you an annoyed look, stop

Step 3) wait a few minutes and shake again while yelling “After Shock!”

Step 4) you will certainly get another annoyed look, stop again

Step 5) wait a few more minutes then begin making shadow puppets. For added flavor, I gave my shadow puppet a voice similar to that of Barney

Step 6) ask - at least three times - how long this is going to take

Step 7)  whine the flashlight is getting heavy

This process took me about 30 minutes. Mind you, my husband has the patience of a saint and rarely shows emotion. I do not recommend this plan with a husband that does not have a sense of humor.

I am happy to report that my nine year old son, Tyler, is now the official flashlight holder at the MacIntosh residence.

You’re welcome.

I’m Smarter than Horror Movies

I have an awesome love hate relationship with horror movies.  I love them (really really love them), but seriously they scare the living crap out of me.  I have a hard time functioning as a grown-up because of them.  I haven’t been in my basement after 5pm in about 13 years.  

As I was watching one the other day I started thinking, I am way too smart to ever be in one of those movies.  Here’s why:

Amy’s Horror Movie Rules to Live By:

9. Amityville Horror - The ever popular ghostly whisper “get out” - OK, I’m out, don’t have to tell me twice.  I’ll send for my things. Buh bye.  If a spirit from the afterlife takes the time to ask you to leave, leave.  

8. Jeepers Creepers.  Kind of a specific situation I know, but if you ever hear the same random odd song more than three times in a day then it’s time for you to seek help.  In the 90s I once made Chris come home from work cause I heard the X Files theme song twice in an hour.  (Just don’t mention that to Chris, I never told him why.) 

7. Hostile. This is easy.  I refuse to leave the US.  Went to Cancun once and nearly had a panic attack.  Nope - not for me, I have no business leaving the 48 contiguous. The first sign of trouble and I’d be calling the marines - and Bill Clinton - and the A Team -  I have them on speed dial.

6. Saw.  OK, here’s the thing.  I saw Saw 3, or maybe it was 4, anyway - I wasn’t the least bit scared.  What was I missing?  

5. Friday the 13th.  Listen carefully, I will not go camping.  I will not swim in a lake at night.  I will not wander the woods in the evening.  However, should circumstances beyond my control find me in the woods at night and Jason is there…. I’ll be packing heat.  Trust me - he’ll be dead.  An entire carton of shotgun shells will be emptied into his head.  Game over.

4. All Movies:  What was that noise? You hear a creak at night, you go to investigate - it ends badly.  I don’t go to investigate.  That’s why I got married (love you Chris!). I do have a golden rule in my home:  If you go off in search of a mystery noise and I call for you, you must answer.  I only call once.  After that I start shooting. 

3. All Haunting Related Movies.  Never ever live where a person has died.  No good can come from that.  Even when my two business partners and I were looking for an office building, my first question to the realtor is: “Is it haunted, has anyone died here”.  And yes - the answer was yes once.  We don’t work there.

2. Scooby Doo.  Ok not really a horror movie but still a good lesson to be had.  NEVER SEPARATE FROM THE GROUP.  Every time Scooby and Shaggy wandered off in search of a snack the monster would appear.  I’m marching with the tribe, right smack dab in the middle thank you very much.

1.  OK - the last rule, and one that could quite possibly save your life.  Remove all mirrored medicine cabinets from your home.  I am convinced these attract serial killers.  Never fails, you get out of the shower, walk over to the sink, close the medicine cabinet - and lookey lookey - crazy ax man is standing behind you in the mirror reflection.  Any dude in an orange apron at the Home Depot can help you here, tell them I sent you.

Happy viewing - and here is an upcoming flick I’m watching and lucky enough to be working on at Curve:

http://www.grace-themovie.com/

New & Improved, What About the Original

Today while watching TV one of my favorite 80s bands “Journey” was performing. Without looking up from my laptop I listened happily and enjoyed the familiar tune of “Separate Ways”. Near the end of the song I glanced up to watch and to my surprise it wasn’t Steve Perry singing of troubled times but a 20 something Fillipino guy named Arnel. Now don’t get me wrong Arnel - you sounded great - dead on. But you’re no Steve Perry. How could this happen? When did this happen? I gotta level with you - I am devastated. Steve Perry shaped my youth. I’m not sure I can continue to listen to Journey (ah - who am I kidding).

After some overly extensive research it turns out Arnel is Journey’s 6th singer and Mr. Perry hasn’t belted out a power ballad with the band since ‘96. Journey felt they needed a new hook. Oh - sure - let’s blame bad branding and their marketing team. People - please. Did we learn nothing from New Coke?

At Curve we often find our clients struggling to find a new hook. But re-inventing yourself isn’t always a good idea. Evolving your image while holding on to your core truths is what makes great branding. Sometimes re-inventing that core will anger your most loyal fans. (Just ask Tom about Froot Loops™ ~ apparently they added blueberry loops in the 80s and he’s been upset ever since)

So how does a brand stay current and buzz-worthy while holding on to their Steve Perry? Consult with an agency that knows how, like maybe Curve. We can help.

Don’t stop believin

Advice

I have taken on many new roles in my life.  Wife, Mother, Business Owner.  With each new chapter in my life I have received buckets of advice from friends, family and colleagues and have read countless self help books.   Here are the greatest hits:  (I’ve left out the stupid advice, it wasn’t worth typing - you’re welcome)

ADVICE ON MARRIAGE

~ The engagement ring.  Never take it off, ever.  OK, maybe if you work on an assembly line, but otherwise it stays on.  Yes, even when washing your hands, making meatloaf and putting on hand lotion.  Leave it on.  It is much easier to clean the ring than to replace it.
~ The wedding.  Enjoy the moment, every moment.   Spend time enjoying the events with your new spouse.  The cake, flowers, DJ, fourth cousins twice removed and freaky limo guy don’t need your constant attention and management. In 20 years will you remember what time the cake was served or the joy of eating it with your husband?
~ The disagreements.  Go to bed angry.  I know! - most people say ‘never’ go to bed angry. But let’s be frank…  Are you really going to solve your disagreement at 2am after a few drinks?  Let it go for the evening and if it is still worth revisiting in the morning hash it out then.  Chances are you won’t care so much about the $2.00 parking ticket the next morning AND you got a good nights sleep.

ADVICE ON MOTHERHOOD

~ The late nights.   During the early months when you and hubby are in high negotiations trying to decide whose turn it is to get up with the baby: neither party is responsible for anything said between the hours of midnight and 6am.  It’s the sleep deprivation talking.
~ The kids.  Ignore all advice you receive on childbirth, raising kids and to-be or not-to-be a working mother.  Do it your way, love your kids and life will be fine.

ADVICE ON BUSINESS

~ The team.  Hire slow, fire fast.   Interview every candidate at least three times.  Have your partner interview them a fourth time. This may seem grueling but finding the best people takes time and is worth the investment.  On the flip side, if you feel you need to cut bait - then cut bait - prolonging the inevitable isn’t helping anyone - especially your bottom line.
~ The money. If your business is a professional services company don’t be afraid to ask for half down.  Big project or small you can’t recoup time once you’ve used it.  Before you start work require a deposit - this shows not only a financial commitment by your new client but a commitment to the project as well.  Hold strong to this policy. 
~ The work.  Seek new business from brands you have a passion for.  Working on a project you love isn’t so much like work.  This one is self explanatory.

LIFE IN GENERAL

~ The hard fast rule.  Don’t cry over anything that can’t cry over you.  This is the best advice I can offer you.  All the rest is a crap shoot.

Absolute Truths

Absolute Truths
There are a few things in my life that are absolute truths (or ATs as I will call them cause I’m a lazy typer).  Now these ATs are natural phenomenon that often make me believe I am clairvoyant, lucky or cursed - take your pick.

11. I can’t Magic Eye.  You know those fad posters of the 90s that are just a jumble of dots that supposedly when you stare at them long enough you see an eagle soaring over a river.  Well - I don’t see crap. And to be honest, I don’t think any of you do either.  It’s a scam.

10. I haven’t naturally typed the word “the” correct since the invention of auto spell check.  I am unable to type t, h and e in that order.  It is always teh.

9. At least once a month I surf past Shawshank Redemption on TV (seriously, are there no royalty fees for that movie) - and I stop and watch every time.

8.  A stone chip in my windshield will always be on the drivers side, directly in my line of vision.

7. On any given “One Hit Wonders” show Come On Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners will be featured.  Can’t we all just agree to let that miserable tune rest in peace, … please?

6. At least 5 times a week I glance at a digital clock and it is 11:11 (NO - my clocks aren’t broken)

5. Every day I wear black wool pants my cat will decide to give me extra love in morning, ensuring I take a part of him with me that day.

4. I can ALWAYS count on Tyler to make me smile when I’m grumpy - he is a natural born comedian.  Which is good because…

3. Chris will ALWAYS be at least 15 minutes late anywhere we go.  It’s taken me 20 years to accept this, and now - with medication - I can enjoy life again.

2. I never win the armrest war on an airplane. 

1. When they say “Caution Coffee is Hot” at a drive thru - they’re not messing around.  You could melt aluminum in there.  I am physically unable to heed this warning and will burn my tongue.

Shoot me back your absolute truths - especially if you experience the 11:11 phenomenon.

6 REASONS TO APPRECIATE WINTER

“Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” - Bret Michaels never sang truer words.  As February ushers in yet another cold month in Michigan many Detroiter’s are dreading more of old man winter.  It’s been a long hard winter and we’re feeling a bit defeated.   There are, however, a few reasons I appreciate the cold.  As a person that does not enjoy winter sports I really had to dig deep to come up with 6, but I think they are pretty stellar:

6. Heated Leather Seats.  Oh baby, who doesn’t enjoy these.  Instant warmth at the touch of a button.  It’s like my butt is in Cancun while the rest of me is here.  This is definitely one feature reserved for winter. 

5. Flannel.  Now let me first qualify this by saying flannel should never be worn outside of your house - ever.. promise?  However, there is something extra snuggly about changing into flannel jammies after a long day.  Comfy and cozy flannel demands relaxation.  It’s nearly impossible to be stressed out while wearing flannel - seriously, I’ve tried.

4. Wrapping your hands around a hot mug of coffee.  Sure - it’s a simple pleasure-  but there is a brief moment of calm when you sit down with that first cup o joe each morning and wrap your cold hands around the hot mug.  It’s just not the same escape for me in 80 degree weather.

3. Snow Days.  The look of joy my son has when school is closed.  Never again in life are you granted a free day, no demands, no juggling - just a spontaneous holiday to seep late, go sledding and live for the moment.  Try to see the day thru your kids eyes - work will survive without you for one day and chances are you won’t be the only one taking a vacation day.

2. Throwing a snow ball.  Now this is one thing impossible to do in July.  There isn’t an adult out there that doesn’t throw at least one snow ball every winter.  The random surprise attack of a snow ball to your spouse or friends if just plain fun and makes me laugh every time.  Unless I’m the one getting hit - then it’s not funny.

1. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Yowsa has it been a rough ride….  The DOW drops, bailouts fail and we’re at war.  You knew all that.  A lot of people are angry - a lot of finger pointing is happening.    Maybe if we all focus our stress and worry towards Old Man Winter we’ll spend less time angry at each other.  The nasty weather, icy roads and constant shoveling is the common ground we all share. Just think of how many opportunities for small talk our weather has given you.   A stranger in line at Starbucks suddenly becomes your ally in the fight against winter.  Take advantage of the snow to engage in conversation with your elevator mate - he may just be your next client.

Winter indeed has it’s share of thorns but the flower itself is a beauty.  What do you love about winter - drop me a line.