6th
I'm Smarter than Horror Movies
I have an awesome love hate relationship with horror movies. I love them (really really love them), but seriously they scare the living crap out of me. I have a hard time functioning as a grown-up because of them. I haven’t been in my basement after 5pm in about 13 years.
As I was watching one the other day I started thinking, I am way too smart to ever be in one of those movies. Here’s why:
Amy’s Horror Movie Rules to Live By:
9. Amityville Horror - The ever popular ghostly whisper “get out” - OK, I’m out, don’t have to tell me twice. I’ll send for my things. Buh bye. If a spirit from the afterlife takes the time to ask you to leave, leave.
8. Jeepers Creepers. Kind of a specific situation I know, but if you ever hear the same random odd song more than three times in a day then it’s time for you to seek help. In the 90s I once made Chris come home from work cause I heard the X Files theme song twice in an hour. (Just don’t mention that to Chris, I never told him why.)
7. Hostile. This is easy. I refuse to leave the US. Went to Cancun once and nearly had a panic attack. Nope - not for me, I have no business leaving the 48 contiguous. The first sign of trouble and I’d be calling the marines - and Bill Clinton - and the A Team - I have them on speed dial.
6. Saw. OK, here’s the thing. I saw Saw 3, or maybe it was 4, anyway - I wasn’t the least bit scared. What was I missing?
5. Friday the 13th. Listen carefully, I will not go camping. I will not swim in a lake at night. I will not wander the woods in the evening. However, should circumstances beyond my control find me in the woods at night and Jason is there…. I’ll be packing heat. Trust me - he’ll be dead. An entire carton of shotgun shells will be emptied into his head. Game over.
4. All Movies: What was that noise? You hear a creak at night, you go to investigate - it ends badly. I don’t go to investigate. That’s why I got married (love you Chris!). I do have a golden rule in my home: If you go off in search of a mystery noise and I call for you, you must answer. I only call once. After that I start shooting.
3. All Haunting Related Movies. Never ever live where a person has died. No good can come from that. Even when my two business partners and I were looking for an office building, my first question to the realtor is: “Is it haunted, has anyone died here”. And yes - the answer was yes once. We don’t work there.
2. Scooby Doo. Ok not really a horror movie but still a good lesson to be had. NEVER SEPARATE FROM THE GROUP. Every time Scooby and Shaggy wandered off in search of a snack the monster would appear. I’m marching with the tribe, right smack dab in the middle thank you very much.
1. OK - the last rule, and one that could quite possibly save your life. Remove all mirrored medicine cabinets from your home. I am convinced these attract serial killers. Never fails, you get out of the shower, walk over to the sink, close the medicine cabinet - and lookey lookey - crazy ax man is standing behind you in the mirror reflection. Any dude in an orange apron at the Home Depot can help you here, tell them I sent you.
Happy viewing - and here is an upcoming flick I’m watching and lucky enough to be working on at Curve:
http://www.grace-themovie.com/
